A Fresh Start!

 

Yup, a fresh start! Why sunflower? Because it is currently my most fav flower. This blog is wayy too old but i've deleted all my old posts -- for a fresh start. I read all my blog posts years ago, though there weren't too many but still, they were memories. I cried, honestly. I am missing that me. The old me. I dont know what happened to me now, after years of life, after all the mistakes i've done in years, after everything that happened to me. When they said "life is like a roller-coaster, sometimes you're at the top and sometimes you're at the bottom", i felt that. And still feeling it. 

Not many knows what i've been through, simply because i prefer not to share my stories. Those who know, know. I am feeling so emotional writing this post. I have soooo many things to say but words just cant describe how im feeling. I couldnt find any words to describe myself right now. 

Seeing all my friends all have been successful, i am so jealous of them. Not that i am not happy, i do. But to think of myself as compared to them. I am feeling so small. Some are getting married, some have kids, some have gotten a good job. While me? I am still struggling to finish my study. And that's when my anxiety starts to kick in. All the ifs starts to come into my messy head. All the "If only i hadnt...." been messing up with my mind since almost 3 years ago.

I have been trying to control those thoughts, those feelings, but i cant. Though people might see me having those cheerful smiles everyday, little do they know, all of them were a lie. Maybe not all, but most. I am dying inside, little by little, day by day. Not that i didnt try to cope with all those negative thoughts, i did. But they all just seem to work for a while. Then, poof! Gone. And there is still miserable me, laying down in bed...

Anyways, such a long post for a first one ey. I have been thinking of starting to write blogs again because writing does make me feel. I write when i am in love, i write when i am sad, i write when dont feel like talking. Because it's all in my head that i always want to let it out but i cant say it out loud. Thus, the blog.

Love, Tasha.