Too Much Truth Being Told In A Night

 

i have been feeling not very good lately. Late night thinkings are consuming my mind almost every night, but i was not really sure about what my mind were thinking every night. But those thoughts kept me wide awake every time. I cried every time, of course. I bawled my eyes out until i fell asleep. That is the best feeling ever; to fall asleep while you're crying so hard. It feels like a relieve, at least for that night. All i see is darkness, a dark deep hole, a dark path. Hoping that i could see a light coming from the end of whatever i am in

While i was not sure about my thoughts, yesterday, a friend of mine texted me. We are not close at all, we barely knew each other. He knows about things i am going through. He texted me because he was in trouble, reaching me out for help. I was actually just dried my tears approximately half an hour before his text. But i know he was in trouble so i thought that i had to be strong enough to help him that night. So i asked, 

"what bothers you tonight? what makes you feel sad?"
"people leaving because i hurt them, people hurting because im not in good condition, people tired of my condition"
"i am feeling the same. I've been feeling this long time but i never talked to anyone about it"

"what should we do? we are just hurting people who care for us"
"i had a breakdown about this where i felt so useless, burdening people. I cried until i fell asleep. Why? Why do we always have to trouble people?"
"Because we are sick. We require others to help us"
"why cant we help ourselves?"
"because we are in a weak condition. We cant be alone but not everyone can help us, because not everyone understands us. We are burdening them because they cant understand us while they also need us to understand them"


And then i started to cry again and again. it was worse than before he texted me. and then he continued...

"like a parasite; we cant give them happiness but we're asking them to give us the happiness. While they want a symbiosis, but we are weak and hopeless"
"i am seriously not strong enough. sometimes i felt like where should i go to when i need a comfort? Where is everyone? Why cant they see that i am actually not who i appear to be? They expect us to be strong ourselves but all we want is just a moral support. We dont need advices, we know what's right and what's not. We just need people to hear our thoughts"

and then he was silent...until he finally said that he agreed with me and he never realised that. he continued;

"Now i know why i am in deep shit -- because i could never told anyone the exact truth of what my thoughts are. It is too dark to be told. I am scared of people's perceptions. Hence, keeping them to myself which lead to internal fights, that consume my mind. we just could not find a person that we tell everything without hurting or burdening them"

i agreed with what he said. we cant tell everything to anyone. Not even to the closest ones because sometimes the one who is the closest to us that we know how they react and how their perceptions would be. Because we know them so well that they cant accept things like this -- i told him this

he started to feel weird because too much truth was being told for the first time; for me and for him. I initially was supposed to help his hard times last night but it turned out to be a night full of truthness. I guess only people with mental illness cant understand each other. People around us will never understand. They may know what we are going through but they would never understand.

i sometimes got sick with people's perceptions towards mental health illnesses. i know there are no awareness among them. but could they at least not being judgy?